The Solution

 "Gentlemen we assemble here today to begin the formal process of leaving India," began Clement Attlee as he chaired a high-level committee which was to decide the fate of the British colony of India. Joining him in the committee was Sir Stafford Cripps, Lord Wavell the current Viceroy of India, Lord Mountbatten the one chosen to succeed to Wavell, Lieutenant General John Hardy commander of the Bengal Fusiliers, General Timothy Ramsbottom commander of the British Indian Army and Lord Belfort head of the India department of the Home office.

    Lord Belfort was the first to speak. He said, "Sir, I do not think it will be wise to give those Indians their independence so soon. After all, we have just won a war and our public have suffered a lot from it. Therefore we need to hold on to our colonies for their precious natural resources and food supplies. Secondly, Sir, I believe that we would set a very dangerous precedent if we let those buggers have their independence. If it is the Indians now, then it will be the East Africans later. Therefore my suggestion would be to hold on to India and station more troops over there and most importantly arrest and execute that half-naked fakir, Gandhi whom those people call their Mahatma." Sir Stafford Cripps now began to speak, he agreed with Belfort. He said, "Well Belfort has rightly pointed out the perils of leaving India. I especially would like to say a few words about that bastard called Gandhi. I remember when I went to India in 1942 to convince Gandhi so that he may convince his people to join the war on our side, he was particularly convinced about his idiotic ideas of non-violence. I swear that he was particularly adamant on it. I believe he represents the only and most important threat to our control of the colony. This is because he is a rabble-rouser and those bastards are particularly fond of rabble-rousers. Eliminate that fakir and India is ours."

    Now General Ramsbottom spoke, he said, " From a military point of view, it will be particularly difficult to hold India. This is because there is not only Gandhi but also some radicals like Bose who actually collaborated with the Japanese to raise an army. But I still want to hold India as we have given a lot of sacrifices for that colony. I will not believe that my men who died in that colony died for nothing!" Lieutenant General Hardy was the next to speak, he agreed with his military superior. He said, " I agree with Sir on the necessity of holding India. In fact, I would like to add that it is we, the British who have civilized that rabble and have taught them manners and decency. They were a group of snake charmers and fire worshippers who burnt their widows alive before we took up the task of civilizing them." His comments were met with approval by Lord Wavell who said, "Sir in my years of experience in India, I can definitely say that those people are a divided lot. Let me tell you, they are drunk with religion and in fact, if we give them independence, it will result in a civil war such that they will beg us to colonize them again."

    However, Attlee said, "Gentlemen I know you speak with good intentions. But I believe that the present political scenario dictates that independence to India is given at the earliest. This is because our exchequer will be completely drained if we have to hold that colony and secondly our general public is criticizing us on our actions in India. Therefore I have set the agenda for this meeting as to how to give independence to that colony so that it makes us look honourable." Although most of the men disagreed with the Prime Minister they did not disclose it for obvious reasons. Now, Lord Mountbatten who had been silent all this time spoke, he said, " We do not have to hold India for us to look honourable, we simply have to divide it. All we must do is to agree to the demands of Jinnah and divide that colony into two countries, India and Pakistan and therefore look, benevolent colonizers." Everyone agreed with this idea. They knew that a division of India would definitely save the face of Britain. In fact, the British could even appear honourable through it. Attlee was particularly happy as he had found a solution to his problem.